I am writing this after I heard from mom that my dad got into the hospital again few hours earlier. I know that he was in a bad shape, having diabetes since his late 30s but never can’t stop his love for sweets… ah sweets, who could resist, even more it’s not only for the taste of the tongue…?

It has been at least five years that he started wanting another “sweets of life”, maybe it was the famous “second puberty” or was it just because of he is a man. That was also when I suspect, when he developed manic depression or bipolar disorder. He was getting weirder and became more like a stranger… he’s always been a lonely and selfish man.

Growing up with him, I remember some of the sweet memories vaguely. I was his favorite daughter so people has always said… but in my heart, I always have some anger towards him because of how he treats mom. I did not know if a relationship between man and wife could be without violence and abuse until I was a teenager… Maybe it seems one sided when I was a child thinking that my dad was always the bad ones. It might be true that they always disagree on anything, the error communication is the one that has always been a main problem.

My mom is the one that abused but with her simple way of thinking, serving to husband and afraid of karma… They are now still married and for thirty six years of marriage and I don’t think if they have been really happily in love with each other. Was this a way of abusing my father; not wanting to separate and maybe let my dad free and get some love from another woman? I don’t know anymore now.

Was this a way of each other’s revenge? Once mom was in love with someone but she has given up for the sake of children and my dad wanted this marriage to work again. Nonetheless, my dad still brings up the affair issue from time to time on every fights causing us, the children, fully aware about it and also the victim of their agreement of keeping the marriage for the sake of the us.

On those years away from home and now as I came back staying here, looking at his physically poor body that made me pity on him and want to look away every time. It was the mix feelings of satisfaction, sadness and pity that could not be described… I know it was cruel but he is now getting his karma.

My dad was always looking for love… Maybe he never feel loved by mom and his daughters.

During his time in and out hospital nowadays, I am thinking more of his feeling and my feeling to him too.

I pray that I will have no hatred for him left because I don’t want to have any regret…