You were probably wondering why I never write again after my last post about my Father’s death. The truth is because I have a writer’s block. The heaviest burden have lifted from my shoulder when he was gone, my mother never looks so happy after her 37th years of marriage, my family was never been better, all the cause of the complaints was gone.

My dad has been dead a little over five months now. The last blog I wrote was when it was the 49th day he left us. We even celebrated his 100th day already. The next celebration will be one year after. I should say some friends of mine who their dads left them, usually had a serious economic changes in their life.  Usually, it was because their dads were the breadwinners of the family but my dad was not. So things are better if I could say… Mom doesn’t have to buy any more medicine that costs a fortune, my father cannot fulfill his desire to go to karaoke and bars anymore and his hobby of buying unnecessary products, everybody in the house is not stressed out… everybody is happy.

Although sometimes I miss him, I saw him in my dreams and in those dreams he was really nice.

I’m working on projects and it keeping me busy. I have a steady boyfriend, a charmer and intelligent guy ( yes, I know that he will read this, ha ha ha ), I have been seeing him regularly 2-3 days per week for about six months now. I also see my friends once or twice a week, well I have very few friends… one of them just moved to Singapore because he got married but I find it is comfortable if not too many. And they understand if I retreat, I always do that once in a while, if I don’t feel want to hang out.

Fulfill my needs and no complains in my life… To be alive again, I created my own problem, of course. I started smoking again, first time I caught it again just like a bad virus from my work place… from bunch of female filmmakers smoking in our thousand meetings. Once I told my boyfriend why I started again and he said it was the darkest thing I have ever said.

All your life, when you were little kid, your parents told you to be the best in class, to be who you want to be or your parents want you to be when you grow up, i.e. doctors, lawyers, bankers and all the profession that makes the most. When you tried to do that hard, reached certain level where you stuck and can’t get any further, you just realize that life that should be meaningful and all, as you wished for, is just a big disappointment.

You will be standing, flabbergasted and say, ” and now what?”, got so angry at your parents and then you make babies, try to do the same as your parents did to you to your kids now. Well, how lovely this world we live in!

I have some friends that are adapting alternative ways from the conventional marriage, a couple that decided to live together without marriage and it’s their choice without a marriage institution. Also, a friend that has been married for few years now and they decided not to have kids because this world is already overpopulated. A gay friend that got married, in progress of deciding to adapt a baby or… an English bulldog. A single girlfriend who chooses not to get married learning from her father’s fifth marriage experience.

All I said was, I don’t want to fall in the same hole and repeat my parent’s fault, but not necessarily be extreme about it, against marriage and all. It won’t be easy though. Almost everybody wishes that they will not grow old like their parents… but my friend that just delivered a baby boy, she claimed that she’s stressed out and getting angry easily with the baby and husband… like her mom. She is always scared to become her mom.

In my religion, how we became one as a family, we were united by family karma. We individually have basic karma and characteristics that bind us together as a family through our past lives.  There is bad karma; anger, greed, materialistic, ignorance etc and of course, good karma;  responsible, wisdom, sharing knowledge, helpful, etc.

So, as I choose as Dalai Lama quoted, “The purpose of our lives is to be happy” and to help others. I’m going to practice it in my life and hopefully I will feel better soon.

I try to help others, save the earth and go green, although I got headache to tell people who doesn’t care about 100 plastic bags they are using every day. But at least, I think I am on the right track now…